Bog standard

One of the problems I have with being a full-time immigrant is that I have become blind to all the things that should surprise, shock or disturb me in my new home country. I am too occupied with my day to day survival that the weird, odd or comment worthy escapes my attention completely. So when friends of family come over to visit on short holidays it’s always interesting to gauge their reactions to things and pick up on what they think is exciting or mad. And if their reaction is anything to go by it would seem Japanese toilets are particularly of interest.

From my experiences there are three types of toilet in Japan: the traditional, the Western and the ridiculously technologically advanced. Western toilets can be skipped as I imagine they are too common a sight in, say, the west to warrant comment, apart from saying they are more based on the English toilets, deep pits with a layer of water at the bottom, than American ones, huge bowls with water to the brim.

Traditional toilets are an enigma to me. They are the hole-in-the-floor types, an oblong ceramic bowl in the middle of the floor with a protrusion at one end. One is suppose to squat over these to evacuate whatever needs evacuating. I have used these in extreme emergencies, but only to urinate as one can stand over the bowl upright and do one’s business that way. My balance is bad enough as it is so I dare not tempt Fate and jeopardiｓe the cleanliness of my behind or trousers as I’m sure I’d fall backwards into the bowl or soil my garments as they are awkwardly bunched around my knees.
The way one is supposed to position oneself over one of these monstrosities is squatted down,with your personal front facing the protrusion and ideally as far forward as possible to avoid making a mess behind the toilet on the floor with any rear evacuations.

It’s the technologically marvelous toilets that get most interest. These are usually Western style bowls with a ridiculously large seat. That is to say the actual seat is normal-sized but off it hang any number of gadgets and controls. Amongst these you may find water sprays, bidets (a water spray specifically for the ladies), hot air blowers, noise drowners (a recording of a toilet flushing which sounds crap to the user but realistic to the eavesdropper and disguises any rude noises you may want disguising), heated seats, automatically raising and lowering seats often with special sensors to detect when it is appropriate, controls for the strength of the water and air sprays and the common “flush” button. These controls are either stuck to the side and back of the seat or come in separate loose consoles you can hang in a plastic grip on the wall. Using one of these toilets is often a truly magnificent experience leaving you with a sense of satisfaction and cleanliness. It can make the whole process take its sweet time but in the end it’s worth it.

The water spray technology revolves around small, snake-like tubes appearing out of nowhere in the front or back inside of the seat. There will probably even be controls for aiming though the seat holes usually aren’t big enough to spell disaster in this area. The only real problem is for the visiting foreigner who may spend a while guessing at which button means “flush” amongst all the kanji-labeled options. My advice is to lower the toilet cover before randomly trying out a few buttons as you don’t want to be sprayed in the face by the bidet.

These seats can be pricey at around 80,000 Yen (US$ 675, EUR 500) for the latest models. You’ll find that most recently built apartments will have an electrical outlet tucked discretely low on the wall next to the toilet specifically for these gadgets.

Another nice feature in most, though not all, toilets is the reservoir. Often rather than filling them with water from an unseen source, they are filled from a tap that hovers above a small sink, its plughole leading to the reservoir. That way you can wash your hands with the water that is to be used for the next flush. It’s such a simple and neat little water-saving trick and one that looks so odd when encountered for the first time a lot of tourists end up taking photographs just to show any disbelievers back home.

When it comes to office toilets you shouldn’t expect too much. Though I’m sure they exist somewhere most companies will have only Western style toilets and a few urinals; usually not quite enough to supply the whole company after a curry lunch. If there are special toilet seats they will usually be older models with just a spray,.

As for public toilets, well… luck of the draw I think describes it best. Obviously in expensive department stores you can expect something fancy, whereas at busy train stations expect the worst. I am not kidding about the latter! The one time I braved these toilets was on a drinking night and nature would not be put on hold. I stumbled to a stall and was confronted with a sight that will haunt me forever; it was everywhere! If there was any way to unsee what I saw then… ugh. Walking past these station toilets on Friday evenings can also give rise to the awful acrid smell of urine as you watch a line of salarymen await their turn. Heed my advice and try to avoid these as much as possible! For all their diets and fantastic, fresh foods the Japanese colon can produce something wicked.

I think that is all there really is to say on the subject, and I already feel I’ve said too much.


I had some frankly hilarious and disturbing images to attach to this post but Blogger is acting up and won't allow any picture uploads recently. My apologies.