A complete guide to becoming a talento

Women who are thinking of becoming comediennes should forget it and remember their place in society. Though occasionally a woman can make it in comedy, these women are strange and will never find themselves a suitable husband. Women have a place on television and that place is next to the presenter, as eye-candy or simply to be laughed at or be helpless.

Firstly you have to be either cute or have big breasts. To be both easy on the eye and busty is the ideal but either is fine. Neither is unacceptable and a career as an office lady awaits you until you snag a husband at which point you can become a professional shopper; but television is not for you.

To start your first step towards talentodom you will probably have to do some photo shoots for teenager magazines or titillation books for middle-aged men. Don’t be shy;. you can wear tiny bikinis to cover your shame until you’re old enough to bare all (18). At this point you must hope to be spotted by some television or music producer.

If you get invited to appear on television you must master the most important aspect of talentodom: the Pose. Bend out your hips sideways, bend your neck as if you’re trying to peer under your bed while standing upright and do the two-fingered wave with both hands all the while keeping a toothless grin on your face. If the grin starts to hurt you can also do a pout on occasion. If you master this Pose your route to talentodom will be a quick and easy one!
If, God forbid, you have to speak on television, maybe give your opinion on some food on a panel show or something, be sure to affect a childrens’ manga voice. Men like high-pitched voices like those of a four year old.

At some point in your career you may want to release a single. Even if you can’t sing, don’t worry about it too much. The most important thing is to meet some producers or video directors so you can marry one.

By the time you have flashed your bosom and pouting face on television a few times you can fall into the panel-show routine. Once you get older and your looks fade and sag there are a few routes you can follow. Stick with the panel shows. People will get used to seeing you there and don’t mind so much that you’re now undesirable. Occasionally you can even participate in retrospective shows about how cute you used to be, and that one song you released before marrying the video director. Alternatively, you can age gracelessly and surgically enhance your bosom to outrageous proportions. It may be uncomfortable but at least it’ll give the public something to stare at and hopefully forget how talentless you are. Or you can start a range of beauty products; even if your face won’t launch a half-dozen ships anymore, you can always sell it on the strength of your former beauty.
At all times, though, remember the pose and the child’s voice!

Good luck with your career as televisual eye-candy for the masses! Do not underestimate the importance of the role! Talentos fulfill a very useful task on television as they strut their stuff and pout at the camera while the announcer goes through the list of sponsors. They also fill seats on panel-shows, and without those the world as we know it would not be able to sustain itself.
Go forth, proud fleshpot and remember to bend forward occasionally!


  1. I laughed. A lot.

    Amazing blog.

  2. funny written story, and so sad. It sounds a bit taleban-like. Women only being worthy to have a TV job if they are sex objects. You seem to agree, don't you guys? Or are you laughing at the discrimination? But then again, you probably wouldn't recognize discrimination, you probably actually are white western men, and nobody is going to ever discriminate against you.

  3. I see that Japan and any other country is sexist against women. It's pretty sad and bothersome. I know the feeling since I'm a women.

  4. Brilliant! Thanks for brightening up my day!

  5. This is rather bitter and cynical. Let's not forget exactly the same situation exists back in the UK. As for high pitched female voices, this is actually normal for women and was common place in the west before world war 2, the deeper female voice we are used to in the west is a recent development driven by women competing with men in the workplace. Indeed plenty of japanese women and tarento use deeper voices at various times.